Growing Pains

I avoided change for so long. Change hurts, it requires us to reflect on who we once were and who we want to become.

I made some big changes in my life, and I'm so thankful that I gathered the courage and resources to do so. I'm trying so hard to move on. This is something that cannot be forced, and I've been forcing it and faking it. I find myself overwhelmed with unexpected strong feelings and thoughts that are disturbing to me. I feel my moral compass resetting once again, so I'm judging myself. I am actively fighting the urge to beat myself up for living the lie so long, that my reflexes for hiding my true self, my thoughts and feelings, are overwhelming. I know I am able to speak my mind, and it is a freedom that has cost me a lot. But I am still not able to. I have a lot of work to do, meditation to complete (despite not sparing the concentration to do so), and time to pass to be able to fully toss away the shackles.

It is so upsetting to me that I allowed myself to be abused and silenced for many years. I still don't have the self-love required to accept it, though I pat myself on the back for the strength to declare, no more. I have the intellectual skills to explain it away in practicalities and necessities of living. They aren't enough. What a fucking waste of my youth and childbearing years. I could have chosen a partner who would have loved me how I am, would have grown with me, would have loved and cherished our children. I refused to pull my head out of the sand for so many years that I'm now looking around, and in some ways, wanting to pretend again. I want to be able to take him back, and believe that his intentions can be substituted for his actions, attention, and love. They can't. Once your head is out of the sand, it hurts. It hurts so much to not be able to return to blissful ignorance. (Though for me, the dissonance and ignorance was uncomfortable, not blissful.) It is time for me to move along and stop staring at the damned hole in the ground where my head used to lie. I don't know how to move along from the shame and the grief.

The nightmares. Someone mentioned this and I was relieved. Nightmares appear when there is a disturbance in the sleep schedule mixed with repressed feelings and traumatic events and stressors. This can be a plague. I used to manage this by waking up fully and writing about the dreams. I don't bother with that anymore, but maybe I should. Facing it all head-on and trying to accept it that way isn't working.

Food: I love food. I love eating. I'm having trouble with it, I'm just chronically not hungry. It is weird. This hasn't happened to me since attending to a close family member in the ICU many years ago. I lost about 8 lbs then. I lost about 5lbs so far now.  In some ways I wish it were more weight lost, more aversion to food, but I know the weight will all pile back on (and I will gain double, as I usually do) when I start recovering.

I haven't been practicing yoga, I don't know why. I haven't been able to make it to class, but I have also been avoiding the mat at home. Investment in one's self, and self love, is a huge job. At the moment, I'm glued to my phone in bed, yearning for human connection more so than self-investment. I need more self-investment and self-love though. Maybe I need the human connection too, though. Maybe loneliness is the root of all evil.

Understanding

I should be at yoga class right now, but instead I locked myself in a bedroom, listened to my 3 year old cry for me a few minutes, and now I am just laying here, drained. I feel completely overwhelmed and fed up with everything, and it only gets worse as time goes on. I had a phase last year where I was apathetic to everything around me, and it made me feel powerful. Really, it was the meditation skills of yoga that allowed me to separate the happenings in my life, and my reaction to them. While I still get that feeling, I also feel like I have been forced into action.

Much like anything one tries to repress, my emotions are blowing up and I am no longer able to hide them. I can't go on living certain parts of my lifestyle, it is just no longer possible. Much like when my faith was tanking, I feel something else about me that is fake falling away, and I don't know what it is, but the process is leaving me vulnerable and frantic to regain control over what I can't control. I want to retain my ability to fake smile and deceive myself and others that I'm happy, but I am not, and I'm especially miserable that people feel the need to demand I am happy and that I am destroying my life by wanting to live honestly.

Best examples I can give include two incidences that happened in the last few weeks. The first incident was a meetup with some of the people who I know online, and had never met in person. The atmosphere was  beautiful, in a park on a clear, warm day. It felt so safe and warm, my kids did not want to leave, and we stayed until their meltdowns at sundown. I was a wreck when I left, and quickly realized the problem was my own reluctance to go home. I blamed it on my feeling trapped in a frum lifestyle I do not believe in, the contrast of being with good and honest people at the park all afternoon, and the letdown of that high. I had a good cry, and tried to move along.

Then came yesterday. I cannot go into too many details, but my entire day was filled with such contrasts, I was forced to play different parts and acts,, including 4 costume changes,and I had an insight as to the cause of my emotional imbalance at a joyous moment: I miss feeling understood. I met two people who are very street smart, and they each understood me right away when I spoke with them. One sentence from me, and they immediately addressed my concerns and made me feel very reassured and understood.

The baseline in my life, sadly, is others telling me what my needs are, or contradicting me or telling me I am wrong for expressing my needs. To them, my needs are all wrong, I do not know what I want or need. I'm tired of living like that. I just can't anymore, it is overwhelming and stifling in my box.

I want and need to feel understood, wanted and loved for who I am, and not treated like someone damaged that should be put up with out of the compassion of their hearts.

It shouldn't be hard to understand, but for many people, it is. My personal growth is painful because I have long ago outgrown my space. It is scary as heck to be putting myself out there, making a lot of changes and big decisions, but I must do it. I heard a quote a few weeks ago that rang true in my heart: "You do not fear failure- you fear success. You do not fear your darkness, you fear your light and your power."

The Dissonance of Living a Lie

The dissonance I felt as a believer trying hard to keep my faith while still remaining true to myself and my skeptical nature was very difficult, and required a lot of futile brainpower and energy to keep, but my goal was always (and still is)  there: to find the truth, to learn everything I can, while engaging in practices to help me become a better person and help others. Everything started falling apart as I was forced to take responsibility for my actions, and in many cases, lack of action, that brought me face to face with the fact that the more religious I became, the more my self-denial and denial of the feelings and needs of others was apparent. The dissonance I experienced telling myself that everything was fine, that mitzvos were enough for me, was draining and damaging.

Now that I have stared my demons in the face, and become more true to myself, I am left with a similar but more horrible dissonance of sorts. Some of it should have been eased by my increasing ability to forgive myself for all the needless suffering I put myself through. (Still a work in progress.) Instead, the dissonance has gotten worse. That initial realization I had of, Wtf am I doing?! is stronger than ever, because so little has changed in my life in practical ways. I still dress the same, play the same part as a religious wife and mother. My horror is increased by the realization of how much my attempts at cutting ties with unhealthy relationships in my life is, for the time being, holding me back further. My working has burdened me mentally and physically, making me less present at home. Even financially, changing anything in my life requires working more and earning well above what I am bringing in. 

I am trying harder and harder to live in the present, and enjoy what I have, but the dissonance only gets worse. I continue to move forward and mature emotionally and mentally, but I am forced to face how miserable I am living at home, and how my misery is negatively affecting my kids. I am forced to face all of our social struggles, religious struggles, and struggles as a family that all have no easy answers but time and a fresh start. Every day I live at home I am faced with a larger dose of dissonance, of asking myself, Wtf am I still doing here?! I have advanced, yet everyone else is the same. My mind is constantly telling me that I should leave and not look back. But I have a family to attend to. So I need to keep sending myself home. 

I am far from home for some of Pesach this year. Today I got to let my uncovered hair down, wear comfortable "normal person" clothes, go and get a dairy ice cream to follow up the meat meal, and no one blinked an eye. Of course, I could also eat what chametz and chazer I choose. But I feel ashamed. Not for doing these things that many consider serious sins. I used to be upset for deceiving those who are religious, for letting down those I love even though they may never know it; I am now more upset that I am deceiving the less-religious and non-religious people I know who are still on a plane far away from understanding me. They still see me as a person who cares deeply for Judaism- and in some ways, I still do. I want to see it evolve into something more humanistic and meaningful. I harbor this and other blasphemous facts and ideas that have no way to be expressed in a way that is "respectful" to the positive and romanticized feelings the non-religious people in my life have towards Orthodox Judaism. I feel that I am struggling to speak a new language as I am creating it, and it is clumsy. I'm also still learning to assert myself in general. In some ways, it was easier for others to listen to my nonconventional thoughts with my image as a religious woman, and my apologies for being myself offered after. They were used to it. Now to hear it coming from a woman wearing pants as they are, and drinking their nonkosher wine- they are confused, and upset. They are upset that my religious image has shrunk, and soon, will be completely gone for what is really me: I like bacon, crab meat, ice cream following a steak, and wearing pants is a million times more comfortable than a skirt for most outings. I knew I couldn't please everybody, I just wasn't expecting people to be disappointed in my healthier choices or in me being myself. I wasn't expecting that I would care so much about what others thought. I am still deeply ashamed in myself that I am putting my frum uniform back on very soon, and that they know I will be putting my frum uniform back on. I am a very bad faker. It hurts that others know I am fake-frum, and would rather me be fake-frum than to be true to myself. Ouch. 

I think I know a bit of what Matisyahu felt after he shaved.

What I learned in Bais Yaakov

Sarah Schenirer would be rolling in her grave if she knew what I learned in Bais Yaakov. She had formed the first religious school for Jewish girls in 1917. Her intention was to educate Jewish girls to be knowledgeable of their heritage, and would grow into refined women that would make fine wives for men in Yeshivos. Her movement grew exponentially, to the point that Bais Yaakov is considered an educational necessity for every Jewish girl. She never intended for me to learn the things I learned in elementary and middle school:

1 - Your entire purpose on this planet is to grow into a good woman to merit a good husband, whose Torah will be your ticket to Gan Eden (heaven). But... if you have no yichus (family heritage, being related to a Big Rabbi), you are at a massive disadvantage to begin with. You must work twice as hard, and accept a lower class of man, maybe one who has a "genetic problem" like yourself. If you want a good catch, you must:

2- Know your TNCH (5 books of Torah, Prophets, and Writings) and its commentaries cold. This makes you very desirable. Your future husband will love to learn both with you and from you. (Men, stop laughing, this is what we were taught, that you would love to hear our words of Torah that we worked hard to memorize. I know what you are thinking: It would be good practice of patience for sitting through a 6 year old's reading of his Parsha sheet.)

3- Fear men. These poor creatures cannot control their sexual urges, and you are in constant danger of being raped. You must concentrate on modesty and staying away from men to prevent them from sinning and raping you or a random woman due to your enticement.

Rape is to be feared because it would make a woman impure, completely undesirable for marriage, and will force your husband to divorce you, should you be lucky enough to be married.

4- Always be modest, for you are the daughter of a King. If you happen to be raped, like Dinah or Tamar, it would be your own fault, for lacking in your modesty. Hashem sees everything you do, and obviously, a man must have glimpsed at your 11 year old knee and had sexual thoughts, and had to rape you. Or perhaps, like Dinah, you left your house to be independent, or try to independently meet a man for marriage, without an arranged marriage planned between your parents and a matchmaker. Or, perhaps you let yourself be alone in a room with a man, like Tamar. You are always in danger, so always be modest, and preferably, not visible at all so you are not a distraction or obstacle to men and their Torah learning.

5- Make yourself useful: There are many more religious women than religious men. My class was regularly reminded that we were the largest in the school, with 28 girls. The boys' corresponding class had 19 boys. 9 girls would likely be single for life, and not be fortunate and deserving enough to fulfill their role as a Jewish woman.

Make yourself useful. Make sure you are always working, always striving to be the servant, the biggest doormat, and never say no or oppose what you are asked to do.

6- Never, ever forget: There are countless girls out there who would love to take your honorable calling as a wife, serving your husband and raising HIS children. If you want to leave your privileged position as a bas Melech and servant, you will leave with nothing, and will likely be raped and longing to return to Judaism, even as a damaged untouchable. (Cue pointing to the spinsters and baalos teshuvah and converts who remain religious.)

Fear women: you are in competition with every girl and woman. Never let your guard down, never trust anyone but Hashem, and always strive to be the best and most modest.


7- Pray daily, make sure to proudly say SheAsani Kirtzono, you, as a woman, are created for His will. Like all lower creatures on the planet:

You are easily replaceable.