The Dissonance of Living a Lie

The dissonance I felt as a believer trying hard to keep my faith while still remaining true to myself and my skeptical nature was very difficult, and required a lot of futile brainpower and energy to keep, but my goal was always (and still is)  there: to find the truth, to learn everything I can, while engaging in practices to help me become a better person and help others. Everything started falling apart as I was forced to take responsibility for my actions, and in many cases, lack of action, that brought me face to face with the fact that the more religious I became, the more my self-denial and denial of the feelings and needs of others was apparent. The dissonance I experienced telling myself that everything was fine, that mitzvos were enough for me, was draining and damaging.

Now that I have stared my demons in the face, and become more true to myself, I am left with a similar but more horrible dissonance of sorts. Some of it should have been eased by my increasing ability to forgive myself for all the needless suffering I put myself through. (Still a work in progress.) Instead, the dissonance has gotten worse. That initial realization I had of, Wtf am I doing?! is stronger than ever, because so little has changed in my life in practical ways. I still dress the same, play the same part as a religious wife and mother. My horror is increased by the realization of how much my attempts at cutting ties with unhealthy relationships in my life is, for the time being, holding me back further. My working has burdened me mentally and physically, making me less present at home. Even financially, changing anything in my life requires working more and earning well above what I am bringing in. 

I am trying harder and harder to live in the present, and enjoy what I have, but the dissonance only gets worse. I continue to move forward and mature emotionally and mentally, but I am forced to face how miserable I am living at home, and how my misery is negatively affecting my kids. I am forced to face all of our social struggles, religious struggles, and struggles as a family that all have no easy answers but time and a fresh start. Every day I live at home I am faced with a larger dose of dissonance, of asking myself, Wtf am I still doing here?! I have advanced, yet everyone else is the same. My mind is constantly telling me that I should leave and not look back. But I have a family to attend to. So I need to keep sending myself home. 

I am far from home for some of Pesach this year. Today I got to let my uncovered hair down, wear comfortable "normal person" clothes, go and get a dairy ice cream to follow up the meat meal, and no one blinked an eye. Of course, I could also eat what chametz and chazer I choose. But I feel ashamed. Not for doing these things that many consider serious sins. I used to be upset for deceiving those who are religious, for letting down those I love even though they may never know it; I am now more upset that I am deceiving the less-religious and non-religious people I know who are still on a plane far away from understanding me. They still see me as a person who cares deeply for Judaism- and in some ways, I still do. I want to see it evolve into something more humanistic and meaningful. I harbor this and other blasphemous facts and ideas that have no way to be expressed in a way that is "respectful" to the positive and romanticized feelings the non-religious people in my life have towards Orthodox Judaism. I feel that I am struggling to speak a new language as I am creating it, and it is clumsy. I'm also still learning to assert myself in general. In some ways, it was easier for others to listen to my nonconventional thoughts with my image as a religious woman, and my apologies for being myself offered after. They were used to it. Now to hear it coming from a woman wearing pants as they are, and drinking their nonkosher wine- they are confused, and upset. They are upset that my religious image has shrunk, and soon, will be completely gone for what is really me: I like bacon, crab meat, ice cream following a steak, and wearing pants is a million times more comfortable than a skirt for most outings. I knew I couldn't please everybody, I just wasn't expecting people to be disappointed in my healthier choices or in me being myself. I wasn't expecting that I would care so much about what others thought. I am still deeply ashamed in myself that I am putting my frum uniform back on very soon, and that they know I will be putting my frum uniform back on. I am a very bad faker. It hurts that others know I am fake-frum, and would rather me be fake-frum than to be true to myself. Ouch. 

I think I know a bit of what Matisyahu felt after he shaved.