I should be at yoga class right now, but instead I locked myself in a bedroom, listened to my 3 year old cry for me a few minutes, and now I am just laying here, drained. I feel completely overwhelmed and fed up with everything, and it only gets worse as time goes on. I had a phase last year where I was apathetic to everything around me, and it made me feel powerful. Really, it was the meditation skills of yoga that allowed me to separate the happenings in my life, and my reaction to them. While I still get that feeling, I also feel like I have been forced into action.
Much like anything one tries to repress, my emotions are blowing up and I am no longer able to hide them. I can't go on living certain parts of my lifestyle, it is just no longer possible. Much like when my faith was tanking, I feel something else about me that is fake falling away, and I don't know what it is, but the process is leaving me vulnerable and frantic to regain control over what I can't control. I want to retain my ability to fake smile and deceive myself and others that I'm happy, but I am not, and I'm especially miserable that people feel the need to demand I am happy and that I am destroying my life by wanting to live honestly.
Best examples I can give include two incidences that happened in the last few weeks. The first incident was a meetup with some of the people who I know online, and had never met in person. The atmosphere was beautiful, in a park on a clear, warm day. It felt so safe and warm, my kids did not want to leave, and we stayed until their meltdowns at sundown. I was a wreck when I left, and quickly realized the problem was my own reluctance to go home. I blamed it on my feeling trapped in a frum lifestyle I do not believe in, the contrast of being with good and honest people at the park all afternoon, and the letdown of that high. I had a good cry, and tried to move along.
Then came yesterday. I cannot go into too many details, but my entire day was filled with such contrasts, I was forced to play different parts and acts,, including 4 costume changes,and I had an insight as to the cause of my emotional imbalance at a joyous moment: I miss feeling understood. I met two people who are very street smart, and they each understood me right away when I spoke with them. One sentence from me, and they immediately addressed my concerns and made me feel very reassured and understood.
The baseline in my life, sadly, is others telling me what my needs are, or contradicting me or telling me I am wrong for expressing my needs. To them, my needs are all wrong, I do not know what I want or need. I'm tired of living like that. I just can't anymore, it is overwhelming and stifling in my box.
I want and need to feel understood, wanted and loved for who I am, and not treated like someone damaged that should be put up with out of the compassion of their hearts.
It shouldn't be hard to understand, but for many people, it is. My personal growth is painful because I have long ago outgrown my space. It is scary as heck to be putting myself out there, making a lot of changes and big decisions, but I must do it. I heard a quote a few weeks ago that rang true in my heart: "You do not fear failure- you fear success. You do not fear your darkness, you fear your light and your power."
